Day 13 – A soldier in the army.

This white shirt itches. And it doesn’t fit right. Unisex my ass. Hey, that girl cut the collar out of hers. That’s a good idea. It looks like she altered it too. What a great idea.

Looks like someone took all the bananas again from the volunteer food. At least there’s coffee. Oh! Cookies! I wonder who made them. Mmmm, these are good. I’ll take some with when I go to my shift.

Yesterday, volunteering at Venue 6 for some type of cabaret thingy. That was heinous. People pushing to get in with no discernible line and it was impossible to tell who was performing and who wasn’t. For some reason everybody had flashlights and they kept on shining them in my eyes. I didn’t understand a lot of the jokes either. Seemed everyone else did though because they were laughing… or drunk… or both. What are gem rolls anyway, some type of pastry?

Shift starts soon as an usher at Venue 2. Never been there before, but at least it’s close.

God it’s hot…

I did this volunteer thing because my friend did it last year and said it was fun, so I decided to do it with her and now she bailed. I have no idea what’s going on. People keep coming up to me on the street and asking me questions about where to go for lost and found, and who to talk to about something called a comp, and where venue 61 is.

I try to answer their questions if I know, but I just try to find anyone with a staff badge so they can answer the question.

Everyone with a staff badge looks like they’re on the edge of death. Some of them are nice, but some are scary. That long haired old guy with the initials scares the crap out of me. I heard him yelling into the radio about a wheelchair or something. He should calm the hell down. He’s a jerk. I don’t think I like him.

There’s Venue 2. Look for the blue T-shirt and the team leader.

“Hi, I’m an usher for the next show.”

“You’re late! I’ve already radioed in that you’re late and they’re sending me a rover.”

“I don’t think I’m late. They told me 3:00 and it’s 2:50 now.”

“I like my ushers to be extra early.”

“Well, I’m here now.”

*overly dramatic sigh* “Fine, I’ll radio in that I don’t need a rover. Next time come fifteen minuets before they tell you too.”

“Ok”

“Have you ushered before?”

“Only once at Venue 6. Mostly I’ve been a ticket seller”.

“Well, the previous show will let out soon, so you should stand away from the door. When it comes time for the doors to open I’ll get you to take tickets before heading into the show.”

“Ok”

Those clouds look ominous… I hope it doesn’t rain. Although it would be nice to cool down.

Why is that guy trying to open the door?

*Bang Bang Bang on the locked door* “I need to get in there, I have a ticket! Let me in there right now!”

“I’m sorry sir, I can’t. I don’t have a key.”

“You Fringe people need to get your act together! I bought a ticket and I have a right to go in!”

“Ummm… one sec. Excuse me, team leader?”

“What is it?!”

“This gentleman has a ticket and can’t get in.”

“For which show?”

“I don’t know, I didn’t think to ask.”

“Sir, which show are you seeing?”

“The Dutch Rambo thing.”

“That show starts at 3:30, the doors don’t open for another 10 minutes.”

“Oh…. Ok then, why didn’t you say so in the first place?”

Oh, the doors just opened. I guess the show is done. Wow, that’s a lot of people streaming out.

That woman in front of the tent looks sad.

“Excuse me mam, is something the matter?”

“I wanted to see the next show, but I don’t have enough cash and there isn’t enough time to get to a bank machine.”

“Here, I have some money, you can have what I have.”

“Oh, thank you, that’s just enough. Thank you so much, you’re an angel.”

“You’re welcome. I hope you enjoy it.”

Was that a drop of rain?

“WHO LET THIS PATRON IN? THE DOORS ARE NOT OPEN FOR THE NEXT SHOW!” *growl, spit, fire and brimstone*

Oh God, it’s that same scary long haired old guy. Yikes.

“KEEP THIS DOOR CLOSED UNTIL I OPEN IT!” *apoplectic crazy face*

*SLAM*

“I’m sorry team leader, he must have slipped past me when I was helping this woman.”

“Stand here by the door and don’t move.”

“Ok. Sorry”

Yup that’s rain… here it comes…

“Doors are open!”

*rip a ticket stub* “Enjoy the show” *rip a ticket stub* “Enjoy the show”

Geeze it’s really coming down now. I’m soaked….. and this white t-shirt has now become see through. Where’s my jacket? Crap, left it at home.

*rip a ticket stub* “Enjoy the show” *rip a ticket stub* “Enjoy the show”

“OK, IT’S 3:30, TIME TO CLOSE THE DOORS. YOU, USHER, HEAD UP AHEAD OF ME AND I’LL CLOSE DOORS BEHIND YOU.”

Up? How far up these stairs do I go? OH WOW, is that air conditioning? Fantastic. Although now that I’m soaked to the bone, it will probably lead to pneumonia.

“THERE’S A SEAT SET OUT FOR YOU, SIT THERE. WHEN THE SHOW IS FINISHED, LET THEM ALL OUT THAT DOOR AND CLEAN UP ANY LITTER IN THE AISLES.”

*shudder* that long haired guy creeps me out. What kind of name is L.B.J. anyway?

Hmm… is that a llama on the stage? And are those Rambo puppets?

Oh, this could be good.

I wonder what I’m supposed to do with all of these ticket stubs…..

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About JBJ

John lives in an abandoned toolshed behind a fake rubber vomit warehouse in Winnipeg Manitoba Canada with a squirrel named Peanut Hoarder, where he steals an internet signal from the Kung Fu school next door. He is a little "off". View all posts by JBJ

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